Sorting out Sunday

Hey gang. Here with those NFL picks for tomorrow:

-Chicago v. Carolina - Unfortunately, Brian Urlacher hasn't been deployed at quarterback yet this season. Leading me to believe Chicago will again play with no quarterback and, resultingly, a ten-man offense. Panthers 23, Bears 7
-Tennessee v. Cincinnati- This is as close to prison football as it gets. I'm still unclear as to why the Bengals didn't sign Rae Carruth to help shore up their receiving corps. Titans 19, Bengals 10
-Green Bay v. Detroit- Imagine my delight when Darren Woodson says his receiver of the week will be Calvin Johnson. With a good game, perhaps I can use him to acquire Andre Johnson, who is actually good. Lions 24, Packers 14
-Buffalo v. Jacksonville- The Bills' special teams and defense easily outscore their offense on a weekly basis. This week they willl also outscore the Jaguars defense, unless of course Fred Taylor hits some linemen over the head with liqour bottles. Bills 21, Jaguars 7
-Oakland v. Kansas City- It's an impacting game for me, depending how many carries Darren McDaniels gets. I think I'm just going to refer to him as McDaniels for the rest of the season in homage to Emmitt. Raiders 21, Chiefs 20
-Indianapolis v. Minnesota- Emmitt's Take: "This game is a very big game. The team that win this game have to play hard all sixty minutes, or two hours, so to speak. Adrian Peterman have to carry the team on his shoulders, which mean he need to have good balance. Peyton Manning and Rudy Wayne must has a good...no...well...connection, which I can see happening." Thank you, Emmitt. Colts 28, Vikings 21
-New York Giants v. St. Louis- I'm pretty sure I could win the game if I played the St. Louis Rams. Giants 155, Rams -23
-New Orleans v. Washington- Fantasy Football Deity Drew Brees takes on the powerful Redskins defense. Er, powerful might not be a good word. How about they take on London Fletcher, a dancer, and 9 other guys? But with my man Justin Samson in the stands, the Redskins have a little magic and pull out the home V. Redskins 23, Saints 21
-San Francisco v. Seattle- Lofa Tatupu is the man. I see a 32 tackle game for him. Vernon Davis is pretty much San Francisco's only real threat, but every time out of his three point stance, instead of running his routes, he stands up after two steps and says "Click. Clack." Seahawks 35, Niners 0
-Atlanta v. Tampa Bay- Now that Jeff Garcia is bench, The Falcons D will mob Tampa's greasy quarterback Brian Griese. Perhaps Michael Turner can bust out another 200 yard game. Falcons 20, Bucaneers 6
-Miami v. Arizona- I'm pretty much apathetic to the whole football aspect of this game. I want to see if a) Ricky Williams can get charged with possession of marijuana when you are actually in the game (and if its a 5-, 10-, or 15-yard penalty), and b) if Matt Leinart develops into the not-so-good, desert version of Chris Cooley in terms of relations with cheerleaders. Dolphins more, Cardinals, less, My level of concern even less
-San Diego v. Denver- Denver will win 12 games this year. I'm convinced. Perhaps they might even win the division. This is actually a serious prediction. Broncos 27, Chargers 17
-New England v. New York Jets- Tom Brady throws for 342 yards and 3 touchd- what?? he's out for the season? THEN WHY DID YAHOO DRAFT HIM ONTO MY TEAM. Cassell holds his own and Moss hauls in a touchdown. Pats 28, Jets 10
-Pittsburgh v. Cleveland- Brady Quinn could be the best backup quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately for Poop fans, Derek Anderson might be amongst the worst. Jamal Lewis gets completely shut down by LaMarr Woodley and Co., Slick Willie Parker slides into the end zone on several occasions. Steelers 28, Browns 10
-Philadelphia v. Dallas- Ideas for Terrell Owens' latest celebration: imitation of Michael Phelps, Alley-oop-to-self dunk over the goal post, running up to McNabb with hand outstretched seeking daps. McNabb gets chased silly by the 'Boys defense all day. MBIII has 2 touchdowns, and Jessica Simpson is not persecuted by Cowboys fans even though her music sucks. Cowboys 35, Eagles 17
-Baltimore v. Houston- Houston is only three games out of the Wild Card. Hunter Pence and Roy Oswalt both qualify for "Officially On Fire" status. Lance Berkman is a rabid hyena, slobbering all over opposing pitchers. The football team is not that good. Maybe Andre Johnson should use the JUGS machine as his quarterback and just go deep every time. Ravens 17, Texans 7

Truth be told, I am much more enthralled with the collegiate lineup this weekend. The Maryland game is going swimmingly so far (so long as you are not a Berkeley resident or student). USC wins tonight in the C*llision at the C*lliseum. I feel so dirty just saying that phrase.

Also, Houston storms back to make the playoffs. 'Stros before Hos.